A Survival Guide for When Your In-Laws Show Up
Look, I’ve done my part; I married one of their kids. That should be enough. But no, now I also have to pretend I care about their opinions on local traffic and casserole techniques. Time to retreat into the sweet, muffled world of audiobooks.
Here’s when to plug in those noise-canceling headphones and disappear:
🚙 Airport Pick-Up
They just flew in, full of judgment and old people’s breath. Crank up a thriller and pretend you’re chauffeuring assassins. I can’t sit through another hour of conversation about how Janice forgot to bring her sweater on the plane.
🛏️ Car Ride to the Hotel
They are not staying in your house. They know what they did.
🍽️ Dinner (Home or Restaurant)
Of course, I’m paying. I’m a man. Barely. But still.
🤐 Awkward Silence
Perfect time to get deep into chapter 12 while nodding like you’re listening to their opinions about modern parenting.
🏘️ The Grand Tour
Why do we walk them through the house we’ve lived in for a decade like it’s a real estate listing? You’ve seen the kitchen, Janice.
📺 Terrible Family Movie Night
They want to watch a Hallmark movie about goats who find love. You just want to survive.
💤 Couch Snore-a-thon
They pass out on your furniture immediately and start sawing logs like a dying sea lion. Activate noise-canceling. Hide the remote.
🛍️ Mall Shopping with the Kids
Why do in-laws insist on dragging your children to buy pants they’ll never wear? Your wife says, Go! You comply, you know, like a man.
💻 Family Zoom Calls
Who has 12 kids? Why does one of them always “forget how to unmute”? No one needs to talk to their family to be happy.
📸 Obligatory Family Photo
You may remove one earbud for this. Smile like a hostage.
💼 Bonus Tip: Work Overtime
Suddenly, working late sounds like a gift from above. “Sorry, I’ve got a tight deadline.”
Final Thought:
Audiobooks are the emotional support raccoon I keep in my pocket when my in-laws descend like a swarm of passive-aggressive locusts. Do I love them? If I have to, in theory. But I love escaping into a story way, way more.