Okay.
There are a few things that drive me absolutely nuts when I’m listening to audiobooks—or reading.
Let’s break it down.
📅 Chapter Titles with Dates
Why? Why does every chapter need a timestamp like it’s a government document?
“April 5th, 9:47 a.m.”
Dude, I’m not tracking a murder investigation—I’m folding laundry. Just say “three years earlier” or “two days before,” and let my tired dad brain do the rest.
🧠 Nod vs. Shake Confusion
You’d think this one would be basic.
- Nod = yes.
- Shake = no.
But noooo. Some authors write, “Tom shook his head yes,” like we’ve just entered a parallel universe where body language is optional. Don’t make me pause the book to diagram gestures like a middle school substitute teacher. I will. I have whiteboards.
❄️ “Through the Frosted Glass…”
If I hear this phrase all the time, and I just crack up every time. We get it. The glass is mysterious. The view is obscured. So is my patience.
🌀 Extending Senses
“She reached out with her senses.”
What does that mean? Are we talking about actual eyes and ears here, or is this some kind of soul-wifi?
I don’t want to hear about characters “extending their awareness” unless they’re applying for a Marvel contract.
🔈 Quiet Narrators
Narrators: I love you. I really do. But if I have to turn the volume up to 12 just to hear you whisper “he said,” and then get jump-scared by a door slamming in chapter two, we have a problem.
I look like a maniac constantly tapping my AirPods and muttering “What did she say?” in the grocery store. Please, for the love of earbuds—level your audio.
Honorable Mentions (a.k.a. Please Make It Stop):
- Overuse of the phrase “he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.” The collective sigh of exhausted readers should count as storm damage.
- “She tasted the tension in the air.” Stop licking the atmosphere. Go eat a snack.
Characters biting their lips. Who does this?! Outside of teen vampire romance or dental anxiety commercials, when has anyone in real life bite their lip to express emotion? I’m a grown man with two kids and a mortgage. If I’m biting my lip, it’s because I’m trying not to swear in front of my in-laws. And guess what? I still fail. Every. Time.